Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
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I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.