Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The “baby” on the left….
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
😼🖥️
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Optional boss fight.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.