Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey