Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

My first son he is wonderful

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.