*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
how it started vs how it ended
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.