Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Clients after you give them your rates
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…