Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?