@AskThePankazzzz

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

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@_Water_Baby

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

@samreich

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@LittleMissAngr1

Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*

Priest: And the bride?

Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.

@JayUhOh

Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?

@P1ssed_K1d

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!