Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..