Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!