[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.