Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!
The Antics Roadshow
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.