[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?