Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!