Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!