*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible