*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Erm…
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Important reminders
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.