*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
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My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
my favorite gender
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*