*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin