Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.