Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.