[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
You Might Also Like
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
i was baptized in a car wash
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund