Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.