*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
You Might Also Like
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
pir路ou路ette – /藢pir蓹藞wet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don鈥檛 think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I鈥檓 bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
It鈥檚 easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then