Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.