Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?