Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!