Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

smh

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

serving silly goose instead of turkey

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Just organising my finances.

Sending in my taxes

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.