*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
It’s that simple 👊🏻
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right