Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

me when somebody idk start touching me

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

😎 🍻

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

I like donuts.

Twitter:

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?