*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Haha good job!!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.