@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

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@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@TheToddWilliams

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

@3sunzzz

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

@Vodkantots

If he doesn’t return your texts, it’s because he’s busy leaving his wife for you.

Obviously.

@buttnight

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

@david8hughes

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

@Fickle_Filly

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

@bobvulfov

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show