*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…



WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …


ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’


The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy


Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.


If he doesn’t return your texts, it’s because he’s busy leaving his wife for you.



I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken


My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.


The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.


NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show