*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.