Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

You’ll be OK

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

lol

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.