*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window