*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.