*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Why I divorced her.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use