*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
sigh
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.