*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
