*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.