Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.