*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You Might Also Like
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
the #horror is real!
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
found this cool rock hiking today
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT