*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
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me in a relationship:
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”