@Mechaniz10

*Making a cake*

Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?

Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.

11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.

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@thestlouisan

-Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
[seated]
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…

@Cultdays

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

@Shock_Monster

Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

@Marlebean

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

@Dawn_M_

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

@AmericanGent69

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

@blade_funner

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

@Home_Halfway

When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead