@Mechaniz10

*Making a cake*

Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?

Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.

11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.

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@Sassafrantz

Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.

@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

@Parkerlawyer

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Anytime a frozen meal tells me to “cut holes in film to vent” I pretend like I’m Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects

@Darlainky

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

@The_JRM

5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”

@Marcmywords2

Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.

@AimeeHelene1

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

@UncleDuke1969

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

@AndyAsAdjective

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”