Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…
*Making a cake*
Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?
Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.
11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.
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I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead