Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

the Monday after daylight savings

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone