[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
who wants to go expliring
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
smartest karate player in the world
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My flabber has been gasted.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo