Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I think this might be relevant today.
Waiting for the Charmin
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Real bees work best
reviewed some movies recently
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.