Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
You Might Also Like
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel