Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

So many pants.
So little yoga.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall