Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Note to self: always read the final line

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

He-man has a Masters degree

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.