Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.