Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
![]()
You Might Also Like
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
![]()
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.