Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Going forward the 10 minutes before taking a nap should be referred to as prelax
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*