Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.