Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Sticker placement is key.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”