Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
