Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer