Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

My Guy

This has made my week.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

me when the borders lift

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.