*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned