The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Cool shirt 🙂
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.