Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.