Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I’m being attacked 😭
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New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.