Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
are there any atheist mantises?
These are too funny not to post 😂
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
