Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Bruh
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
