Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
You Might Also Like
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
A short story of betrayal:
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
You know…for fall…
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”