making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
This hospital has everything
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?