Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

good let them take over I have had enough

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

New Tinder profile.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.