making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
12. I think about this all the damn time
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]