making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.