Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

😂

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..