*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Heroic Misunderstanding
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
mechanics be like
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣