Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
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My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture