Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ

*dolphin diving off a cliff*

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.